It has been 2 years since I left you in that new room, new home, with strangers…
I had fought for you to be there; I had cried and had bouts of anger as I fought for this place.
I left your dad and your brothers for you to live away from me, I lived in the desert in an RV for you.
You wanted to move to the desert; you wanted to be independent.
I was exhausted from your care, and my head was done with caregiving, but what about my heart?
My heart was torn – it was split – if I move you away from me does that mean I don’t care?
I was so done taking care of your diabetes, I was tired of the schedule, the responsibility.
But you are my firstborn, I fought for you for 25 years.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
It loomed large over me, but I HAD to let you go. I had to get a break; I had to find myself again.
You needed someone else to push you, care for you and provide for your needs.
As I reflect on two years… I see growth in you; I see more independence for you.
I see growth in me, I see hope in me, I see healing in me.
The journey with you, my son, has been beautiful and oh so hard. I would do it again. I have learned so much from you.
I still feel that guilt, oh so small… but I know God has been with us both in these last 2 years.
You are my firstborn, my son, my hope, and because of you and our journey, I can share hope and healing with others.
I love you Bryson.
