God has revealed Himself to me in so many miraculous ways during this adoption journey so far. I have been brought to tears by words from others as they revealed what God had placed on their hearts for me. I have felt a deep peace the last several weeks and I can say “I’m living with my hands up!” I BELIEVE that He is going to do even more amazing things than I could ever imagine through and in this adoption….. but then today as I drove to school to pick up Bryson, the third day in a row, because he had a seizure again, a wrestling match started up in my brain. God WHY seizures again? God I asked for healing for Bryson, I’ve asked A LOT over the years, WHY? Then I heard the thoughts in my head say “can you really bring Stephen home soon, if you can’t heal Bryson?” The wrestling went back and forth, I recalled many miracles that God had performed on Bryson’s behalf; but he is having seizures again! I have grown so much in my faith because of Bryson’s life; but he is having seizures again! WHY?? Will you perform a miracle God for this adoption? I think my hands have been up God, I’ve been trusting, but WHY does Bryson have to struggle again?
I felt my hands lower a bit when Bryson told me that he didn’t make these seizures happen. I reassured him I knew it wasn’t anything that he did. My heart breaks for him as he is trying to understand what is going on in his body. He told me he thinks that they just need to up his meds. I agreed and told him we will get things figured out and I am sorry he had to miss track practice again. OK God WHY?
Truth screams at me and I KNOW that God will work all things out! I KNOW that God is in the miracle business in Bryson’s life and Stephen’s life. But right now my hands are a bit weary, is it easier to just grab a hold of the bar of worry? I don’t want to go there, I want to lift my hands back up fully and totally dependent on God, but tonight I am tired.